Water and Blood

    The water is frigid around me, causing goose bumps all over my skin. I’m so cold now I can’t feel anything, and my only thought is what it would be like to throw myself forward into the water and never come up. I want to drown now that you’re gone.

    Reflecting in the still water is the dark sky above--clouds completely obscuring what could have been a bright afternoon. But this day…is the day I finally make amends to myself. I take a few steps more into deeper water, so that it passes my waist. I stare to the other side of the lake, knowing that I will never reach the other side; I don’t want to.
  
    I love you so much, but you always slip away before I have a chance to hold on. I’m alone here without you, I can’t feel anything right anymore. Tears are rolling down my cheeks, the only warmth in my vicinity. How long have I been in the water?

    Three more steps…it’s covering my bosom and the cold becomes more fierce. At least I can’t feel any pain. I can’t feel the aching on my arms, but I can see the small flowers of blood blossoming from the water below. They break into the sky and stain the grey clouds sanguine.

    I take a deep breath as the lake comes up around my neck. The pressure of the water around my throat makes it difficult to breathe. Pausing, I make only a second’s hesitation to wonder if this is what I want.

    Yes. I want this. I have nothing…

    The weights around my lacerated wrists feel so heavy; the rope burns even through the numbness of the water. I have no real last thoughts.

    I move myself forward. This is my final action. My last bit of bravery and courage spent to end the pain in my heart. As the water encloses my lips, and moves towards my nose, I hear a cry from so far away.

    It’s your voice.

    Too late for me now. The lake deepens suddenly, and my body is thrown forward into the icy darkness. My eyes are still open…they ache, but I can see my hair dancing around slowly, see the blood still breaking upwards. I feel sleepy, I feel so heavy. You won’t find me…I know you can’t.

    Seconds take so much longer when your lungs are begging for air. Unable to keep my eyes open anymore, they close to the reality quickly dimming around me. There is no weight in me anymore--I’m free!

    My body is lifting, freed from the bonds of the ropes that keep me down. But I feel my face break the surface of the water, air rushing into my lungs. Coughing, I slowly open my eyes. You’re carrying me, your body soaked from head to foot. I can see you shivering beneath the teeth you’re gritting against the cold.

    My hand reaches for the weapons I conceal. You take no notice as I weakly take the shimmering blade, and wait. We are nearly at shore now…the water is shallow.

    The knife traces your throat lightly, enough for you to collapse, dropping me. I am the first to scramble up, pushing you down on your back in the water. The luck you have is that your head ended on the shore, above water.

    You cough beneath me, I bring the knife closer again, up against your throat. My dear, you have betrayed me.

    Crimson escapes from your throat, where it flows and clouds the water. Blood and water…

    The wound isn’t quite fatal, but my knife can make it so in mere seconds. The freezing blade draws against the wound, my body shaking from cold and from hesitation. I still love you. I can’t help it.

    “Where have you been?! I’ve been worried sick about you!” My voice echoes around the lake, but I don’t know if you can speak back.

    Your eyes go wide, and you try to gasp out some words. I’m trembling all over. I can see the pain and longing in your violet eyes, but you don’t dare speak with the knife so close.

    I draw back the weapon enough, and you speak quietly, “I’ve been looking…For you…”

    I’m crying now, I can feel the tears sliding down my cheeks. I’ve reacted so harshly…when all along we’ve been doing the same thing. We’ve been looking for each other. The blade slides from my grasp, becoming enclosed by the sand below. Water and blood flow around it.

    As I sob, I lean closer, managing to rattle out a whisper, “Is it too late…to apologize?”

    “No…it…isn‘t too late…” Your words are gasping, pained. I can see you suffocating beneath the wound.

    “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” I whimper, unable to do anything but listen for your acceptance of my apology.

    Instead, your hand gently brushes my tears away. I know there will be no more words from you now.

    Slowly…ever so slowly, as though time has forgotten its proper cue, your hand slips from my face. Through the blur of tears, I kiss your forehead while crying desperately. Placing my head on your chest, I feel your breath coming to a painful halt.

    Above I hear a crack of thunder, and seconds later, pounding drops begin to fall, concealing my tears as I lay there, alone.